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All things to all people
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MARCH 4, 10:30P Jersey Boys conductor Keith Thompson hosts this monthly musical showcase that features original music from some of Las...
MARCH 4, 1P Back by popular demand, Fletcher will perform an intimate concert that includes a mix of standard classical guitar pieces, new...
MARCH 2-4, 7:30P Take a journey through 5,000 years of Chinese culture via the universal languages of music and dance. $54-$204. Reynolds Hall...
Welcome to NatureDomeTM Consumer Canyon®
Dear County Commissioners, County Clerks, Judges, ex-lovers who accuse me of lacking vision or ambition, et al.:
Kindly let the record show that I’m opposed to the approved plans for a development overlooking scenic Red Rock Canyon. No offense, but building 4,700 homes and a few business parks in the area overlooking Red Rock is the kind of minor league crap I could phone in all day long if I didn’t expect more of myself and that canyon.
Allow me to present NatureDome™ from Canyon Consumer Concepts (I am owner).
I’m willing to make your ordinary canyon into a NatureDome™ ConsumerCanyon® (super-structure). My canyon-based mall/solution will have 20 sides instead of the traditional four-sided boxy layout. Its design will take a page from the canyon dwellings of ancient Pueblo people; that is to say, solid big-box retailers will anchor every corner of the dodecahedronic structure, while fistfuls of smaller merchants (fast food, wig/tanning shops, top-brand track suit discount outlets, knife stores, one of those places that sells executive massage chairs, several magic/costume shops, Sbarro, Booze Barn, etc.) will be speckled between the behemoth merchants in a manner that suggests an enchanted constellation of canyon dwellings. This layout will integrate my augmented Consume-R-Plex® seamlessly with the “natural beauty” of the canyon in order to keep any hopeless sentimentalists from whining about me adding a MUCH-NEEDED massive retail presence in Red Rock Canyon, a canyon that currently offers consumers NO MALL whatsoever.
Since I formed NatureDome® Canyon Consumer Concepts, Inc. about two months ago, there have been times when it feels like everyone is against me. Believe it or not, we still live in a country where people have certain prejudiced ideas about where malls are “allowed” and national parks and conservation areas are, sadly, still places where malls are banned. It seems consumer-based super-structures suffer the brunt of the intolerance that STILL EXISTS in this country. The point is, I see the story about this housing development going in and I think, Finally! Some forward-thinkers who get me. And since you get me, Let’s Get Your Canyon Outfitted With One Of My Giant White Hot Clusters Of Twenty-Sided Consumer Solutions™. (I’m working on a better trademark phrase, but I’ve got 250 quality stationery pads with that one printed on them, so I have to go with it for a bit.).
People will have questions about my proposal. Let me answer all three of them: 1.) Yes, I have a history of drug and drinking problems and I’m having money problems again. 2.) My MegaNature® National Consumption Park will pull out all the stops in order to compete with and surpass the natural grandeur of the surroundings. 3.) Yes, it will be a premium-quality gigantic 20-sided super-structure (or a low-quality standard-size mall structure, depending on what level of funding I am able to secure). And finally, 4.) Yes, it will stand proudly in reply to the question that visitors to America’s national parks and conservation areas have been asking for ages: “If nature is such a perfect system, why does it fail to meet my premium shopping needs as a consumer?”
My bankruptcy proceedings allow me to do business in Nevada,
New York, NY
Humorist Dan Kennedy is the author of Rock On: An Office Power Ballad.
(illustration by Dan Kennedy)
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Also available at Clark County and Henderson libraries.